When Let-Down Doesn’t Feel Good: Understanding DMER
Most of us have heard of the “let-down reflex” — that moment when your body releases milk in response to your baby nursing, or to a pump. For some people, it’s described as a tingling, pins and needles, sometimes a warmth, or even a sudden fullness in the breast. Some people don’t feel anything at all and only know because if their baby unlatches they spray them in the face! (Been there).
But for some parents, let-down feels completely different. Instead of comfort or neutrality, it comes with a sudden wave of sadness, anxiety, or even rage. It can feel confusing, lonely, and overwhelming — and it has a name: Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, or DMER.
What is DMER?
DMER is a physiological reflex, not an emotional issue. Right as milk releases, some lactating parents experience a brief but intense drop in mood. It’s not postpartum depression or anxiety (though those can be happening too). DMER is directly tied to the milk ejection reflex.
The feelings can vary:
Sadness or a heavy “pit in the stomach”
Irritability or anger
Hopelessness or dread
Anxiety or panic-like sensations
The shift usually lasts only a minute or two — just long enough to feel jarring — and then eases as milk continues to flow.
Why does this happen?
Researchers believe DMER is linked to a sudden dip in dopamine, the “feel good” neurotransmitter, that occurs to allow prolactin (the milk-making hormone) to rise. For most people, this shift isn’t felt consciously. But for some, the dopamine drop is strong enough to cause a wave of dysphoria.
So, if you’ve ever wondered: “Why do I feel sad every time my milk lets down?” — know that your brain chemistry is playing a role.
You are not alone
One of the hardest parts of DMER is how rarely it’s talked about. Many parents don’t mention it because they worry it means something is wrong with them, or that they don’t love their baby enough. Neither is true. Sometimes it impacts bonding with your baby, especially if you have no idea what is going on.
DMER is a reflex. It’s your body, not your heart.
What can help?
While there isn’t a one-size-fits-all fix, here are a few things parents often find helpful:
Awareness – Just naming DMER can reduce fear and shame. Knowing “this is my body, not my fault” makes a big difference.
Grounding techniques – Deep breathing, a hand on your heart, or noticing five things around you can anchor you while the wave passes.
Support – Talking with a lactation consultant, therapist, or a trusted friend who understands what DMER is can help you feel less isolated.
Medical support – In some cases, providers explore whether medications that affect dopamine regulation may help. This is best discussed with a knowledgeable healthcare professional.
A gentle reminder
If you are experiencing DMER, you are doing nothing wrong. Your body is having a reflex, and your feelings are real and valid. This can be a tough road, but it’s one you don’t have to walk alone.
At Be Well Baby, we hold space for the whole parent — not just the feeding, but the feelings too. If DMER is part of your journey, please know there is support and compassion waiting for you.
Our lactation consultants can help you wean, can fit you for the appropriate flange size, can hold your hand when it’s hard but you still really want to nurse your baby. We’ve seen it all and we can help with it. All of it.
Love, Emily
